It’s been a long day at the Clausplex music archive. As it gets closer to Christmas, it gets so hectic trying to distribute all the Christmas music around the world.

Santa and his reindeer get all the sympathy, but their distribution task only lasts one night! I have to work all those days leading to Christmas, and hardly anyone knows my name…it’s rather outrageous! And what’s even more annoying is that Christmas seems to be getting earlier every year. It used to be that I could vacation in the Bermudas until the day after Thanksgiving, but no more. Now I feel lucky if I don’t get called in until after Halloween! Outrageous! I don’t even get paid more because elves don’t get wages!

If that weren’t enough, there is now quite a lot of really awful Christmas music out there, some of it in inexplicably high demand. (I’ve all but given up on the United Kingdom….I mean, Mr Blobby? Really?!?) It’s enough to drive one mad…or, even evil….

Anyway, I’ve decided to blog about my feelings about this matter. A blog will be a nice format in which to vent my frustrations as well as being a nice place for me to display my ever-growing collection of festive animal pictures and people in Christmas tree costumes. Oh, what a perfect combination.

I can’t stand it. All I seem to get requests for these days are really awful things. What’s wrong with a straight-up traditional version of ‘Joy to the World’ or, heaven forfend, Bach’s ‘Christmas Oratorio’? What, they don’t move enough chicken wings or manicure sets or something?

I tell you, I’m getting to the end of my tether. If I don’t see any sense from the human race in the next 24 hours, I’m going to have to take matters into my own hands. I’m not even kidding.

PS. Who is this Justin Bieber kid, anyhow? Who does he think he is, selling over 200,000 copies of his Christmas album in the first week, when I can hardly shift any ‘Good King Wenceslas’?!?

Here is a short list of some of the things that annoy me.

• Bad Christmas radio stations that play ‘Grandma got Run Over by a Reindeer’ over and over
• Stores that blare really annoying Christmas songs that no one wants to listen to very loudly
• Most of the top-selling Christmas singles in the UK
• Businesses that don’t realise that there are more than six Christmas songs
• Stores that start putting up Christmas displays well before Thanksgiving in order to try to sell more stuff
• Slanderous songs about Santa Claus
• Versions of classic Christmas carols with alternate lyrics involving questionable subjects like batman and mischief.

I could go on and on, but work is piling up.

Seriously, this must end.

That’s it. I’ve come to the end of my rope. I don’t care if Christmas is coming, I’m done. Humans cannot be trusted to make any rational decisions whatsoever regarding Christmas music. They’re just ruining everything with their Mariah Carey and their ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas’ malarkey.

I have had it, and now I’m gong to take matters into my own hands. No more distributing Christmas music for me. Ohhhh no. I’m going to take it all and lock it up in my electronic archives. No one will ever get to listen to Christmas music again! Christmas music is a privilege, not a right. And it will be a privilege no longer! Mwahahahahaha!

Oh dear, I’ve overexcited myself. I’m feeling a bit of perspiration around my festive little collar. I’d better take a breather….

Just try to order up any new Christmas music now! Oh sure, you can turn on your radio and still hear some music, but once it’s gone, it’s gone! There will be no more repeats…oh no! I’ve stopped acknowledging any requests for Christmas music and I’m beginning to implement my plot of locking away Christmas music from the ears of everyone but myself.

Soon I will be the only one who can listen to Christmas music…in the world!

I suppose I’ll need to tread carefully around the Big J.O.E. (Jolly Old Elf) for the time being. It would be no good for him to catch wind of my scheme until I’m done; he’s so into this sharing business. Must keep this hush hush….

Happy day! I’ve started the first round of song stealing. I’ve locked down a few carols already, just as proof of concept.

It has been easier than I expected; so far no one has made a fuss and I’m getting quite quick at cataloguing and locking away my precious little songs.  I’ve decided to put all of them together in an electronic vault that will keep everyone out but me.  Sometimes it takes a few minutes to round up the songs – some are quite peppy – but so far, no song has been a match for me!

I’ll now take a little Claus pause, to see if there are any…unexpected consequences.  There are so few missing at this stage that there is still plausible deniability if someone were to chase things up.

Stay tuned!

It has been 24 hours since my first song swipe and there have been absolutely no repercussions.

Not that I expected any, but one never knows; Santa has so many secret agents, one can never tell into what those sorts poke their collective nose. I went to sleep half expecting the elf CIA (Claus Intelligence Agency) to bust into my library and start asking uncomfortable questions, but no such thing happened.

Oh, I am a little clever clogs!  Now that I’m more confident in my approach, I’ll start ramping up operations.  By the time I’m finished, I’ll have amassed so much power over Christmas cheer that no one will be able to stop me!

I never knew that being bad would feel so good!

I’ve started reaching out a bit farther; there are now more songs in my clutches, and so far, no one has noticed a thing! What with all the rubbish out there, and soon many versions of the classics, it will probably be a few days before people start feeling the sting…and by then, it will be too late! I’ll have so many songs held hostage that no one will be able to touch me!

Now that I’m confident my evil scheme will work, I need to figure out a way to store these stolen songs securely. Rather annoyingly, I’m quite forgetful, so I’ll need to make sure there are some reminders in place to keep me from forgetting all the electronic locks that I’m using to keep the world away from the songs I snatch. Hmmmm….

I’ve done it! I’ve come up with some super sneaky ways to make sure my collection of Christmas carols is safe in my clutches! I’ve developed a very involved password protection scheme that will surely keep my carols safe from all would-be safe-crackers.

I’m leaving some clues hidden around my website that will give me just enough of a nudge to remember everything I need to remember, but that will be COMPLETELY IMPENETRABLE to anyone else, I’m sure!

I must get back to implementing it; I want to make sure that everything is in place before Christmas Eve so that I can sit back, relax and enjoy the holiday for the first time ever. Usually, the 24th and 25th are my busiest days of the year, but this year I’ll be kicking back, drinking the ‘nog!

Well, this is all going swimmingly!

I’ve figured out a way to use songs from my newly-stolen collection to help me remember the mega super-secret password that will release all my locked-away songs back into the world.

It’s hidden right under all the noses in the world, right on this website of mine, on a super-secret page.

Some say that pride comes before a fall, but do you know what I say? Yeah, that’s right: I say ‘Hubris Schmoobris’!

All someone would need to do to undo all my work is to click one simple link that would activate the unlocking mechanism and cause all my collected songs to rush back out onto the library shelves and, from there, into the radios, CD players and televisions of the world.

And to think, everything one would need to completely undermine my evil plans is right here on this very website!  Ha!  I’m so glad I’m as smart as I am!

I tell you what, everything is going to plan.

I’m becoming wildly efficient at locking away songs now. It’s all about process. Well, and product in this case.

The world will be better when I’ve got all the Christmas songs…for me!

My secret passwords are getting more complicated by the minute. Even someone as clever as I might get confused, so I’ve included some helpful reminders for myself. It’s not easy being a smuggy muggins!

I’ve linked to some helpful information, and have even woven clues right into the very fabric of this website!

This is all putting me in a rather festive mood, actually. I think I’ll go indulge in some eggnog.

I don’t think I’ve ever chortled so much in my life.  Oh, if only I’d thought of this sooner!

It was one thing when people started playing Christmas music in shops the day after Thanksgiving instead of after the 1st of December, but these days it’s not uncommon to see Christmas stuff on display after Hallowe’en, and there are some places that encourage Christmas-related shinanigans all year ’round!

I really should have put my foot down earlier and stolen songs as soon as there was the smallest peep of a jinglebell before the Thanksgiving green bean casserole was served.

I can’t help it, I feel like I’m enjoying myself thoroughly for the first time in years!

Oh well, better late than never….

My song-snarfing operations are winding to a close. I’ve barricaded myself in the music library and not even the Big J.O.E. will be able to extract me.

I think people are finally beginning to cotton on to what’s going on around here; Santa’s done some reshuffling and some of the music delivery elves have been moved to public relations.

The elf CIA are also beginning to send me emails asking me if I know anything about what’s happening to all the Christmas songs. Perhaps they’re getting suspicious because of the big CLOSED FOREVER sign that I’ve put up on the library door.

I’m somewhat concerned that someone will bust down the door before I finish archiving the last tune, but then, I did ask for a super-duper megalomaniac-strength padlock for Christmas last year…and I got it too, because I was such a good little elf! I kept all my feelings about Justin Bieber to myself back then…but that was then and this is now! All I want for Christmas this year is all the Christmas songs for myself, and I’m only about a day away from my dream!

All the Christmas songs in the world are now under my control!  I’ve snatched them, each and every one!  No one can stop me now!

The Elf CIA is probably now well aware of my sinister scheming, but do I care a fig?  No!  I don’t even care a measly raisin!  Everything is locked away in my nefarious online musical vaults.

No one can access anything without the big mega password, and that password is hidden behind many other passwords…and all these passwords are hidden away behind my password-protected super-secret webpage – oh, how clever I am!

With the passwords only in my head, the world is doomed to a Christmas-music-free future!  I won’t tell a soul what they are, even if they throw me in North Pole Prison.  North Pole Prison is actually rather nice; the beds are really fluffy (so I’m told), one gets candy canes for dinner all year ’round, and there will be no piped Christmas muzak in the rec room…why?  Because I’ve snarfed it all!  Yay me!  I have truly made my life much more livable!

I’ve forgotten if I’ve said it before, but I am a little forgetful sometimes, so I’ve included absolutely everything needed to jog my memory about passwords in this very blog.

And because my passwords are so super hard to guess, I think I can safely remind myself right here in print (well, type) that all my passwords contain only lowercase letters.  I ignore punctuation, spaces and so forth.  It’s just easier that way.

First things first, the only way to access my super secret area is to pay very close attention to my blog posts, of course.