I can’t stand it. All I seem to get requests for these days are really awful things. What’s wrong with a straight-up traditional version of ‘Joy to the World’ or, heaven forfend, Bach’s ‘Christmas Oratorio’? What, they don’t move enough chicken wings or manicure sets or something?

I tell you, I’m getting to the end of my tether. If I don’t see any sense from the human race in the next 24 hours, I’m going to have to take matters into my own hands. I’m not even kidding.

PS. Who is this Justin Bieber kid, anyhow? Who does he think he is, selling over 200,000 copies of his Christmas album in the first week, when I can hardly shift any ‘Good King Wenceslas’?!?