It’s been a long day at the Clausplex music archive. As it gets closer to Christmas, it gets so hectic trying to distribute all the Christmas music around the world.

Santa and his reindeer get all the sympathy, but their distribution task only lasts one night! I have to work all those days leading to Christmas, and hardly anyone knows my name…it’s rather outrageous! And what’s even more annoying is that Christmas seems to be getting earlier every year. It used to be that I could vacation in the Bermudas until the day after Thanksgiving, but no more. Now I feel lucky if I don’t get called in until after Halloween! Outrageous! I don’t even get paid more because elves don’t get wages!

If that weren’t enough, there is now quite a lot of really awful Christmas music out there, some of it in inexplicably high demand. (I’ve all but given up on the United Kingdom….I mean, Mr Blobby? Really?!?) It’s enough to drive one mad…or, even evil….

Anyway, I’ve decided to blog about my feelings about this matter. A blog will be a nice format in which to vent my frustrations as well as being a nice place for me to display my ever-growing collection of festive animal pictures and people in Christmas tree costumes. Oh, what a perfect combination.

I can’t stand it. All I seem to get requests for these days are really awful things. What’s wrong with a straight-up traditional version of ‘Joy to the World’ or, heaven forfend, Bach’s ‘Christmas Oratorio’? What, they don’t move enough chicken wings or manicure sets or something?

I tell you, I’m getting to the end of my tether. If I don’t see any sense from the human race in the next 24 hours, I’m going to have to take matters into my own hands. I’m not even kidding.

PS. Who is this Justin Bieber kid, anyhow? Who does he think he is, selling over 200,000 copies of his Christmas album in the first week, when I can hardly shift any ‘Good King Wenceslas’?!?

Here is a short list of some of the things that annoy me.

• Bad Christmas radio stations that play ‘Grandma got Run Over by a Reindeer’ over and over
• Stores that blare really annoying Christmas songs that no one wants to listen to very loudly
• Most of the top-selling Christmas singles in the UK
• Businesses that don’t realise that there are more than six Christmas songs
• Stores that start putting up Christmas displays well before Thanksgiving in order to try to sell more stuff
• Slanderous songs about Santa Claus
• Versions of classic Christmas carols with alternate lyrics involving questionable subjects like batman and mischief.

I could go on and on, but work is piling up.

Seriously, this must end.

Just try to order up any new Christmas music now! Oh sure, you can turn on your radio and still hear some music, but once it’s gone, it’s gone! There will be no more repeats…oh no! I’ve stopped acknowledging any requests for Christmas music and I’m beginning to implement my plot of locking away Christmas music from the ears of everyone but myself.

Soon I will be the only one who can listen to Christmas music…in the world!

I suppose I’ll need to tread carefully around the Big J.O.E. (Jolly Old Elf) for the time being. It would be no good for him to catch wind of my scheme until I’m done; he’s so into this sharing business. Must keep this hush hush….

Well, this is all going swimmingly!

I’ve figured out a way to use songs from my newly-stolen collection to help me remember the mega super-secret password that will release all my locked-away songs back into the world.

It’s hidden right under all the noses in the world, right on this website of mine, on a super-secret page.

Some say that pride comes before a fall, but do you know what I say? Yeah, that’s right: I say ‘Hubris Schmoobris’!

All someone would need to do to undo all my work is to click one simple link that would activate the unlocking mechanism and cause all my collected songs to rush back out onto the library shelves and, from there, into the radios, CD players and televisions of the world.

And to think, everything one would need to completely undermine my evil plans is right here on this very website!  Ha!  I’m so glad I’m as smart as I am!

I tell you what, everything is going to plan.

I’m becoming wildly efficient at locking away songs now. It’s all about process. Well, and product in this case.

The world will be better when I’ve got all the Christmas songs…for me!

My secret passwords are getting more complicated by the minute. Even someone as clever as I might get confused, so I’ve included some helpful reminders for myself. It’s not easy being a smuggy muggins!

I’ve linked to some helpful information, and have even woven clues right into the very fabric of this website!

This is all putting me in a rather festive mood, actually. I think I’ll go indulge in some eggnog.

I don’t think I’ve ever chortled so much in my life.  Oh, if only I’d thought of this sooner!

It was one thing when people started playing Christmas music in shops the day after Thanksgiving instead of after the 1st of December, but these days it’s not uncommon to see Christmas stuff on display after Hallowe’en, and there are some places that encourage Christmas-related shinanigans all year ’round!

I really should have put my foot down earlier and stolen songs as soon as there was the smallest peep of a jinglebell before the Thanksgiving green bean casserole was served.

I can’t help it, I feel like I’m enjoying myself thoroughly for the first time in years!

Oh well, better late than never….